"But I Wasted So Much Time!" & Other Lies We Tell Our Still Healing Selves
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Our brains are tricky little fuckers aren’t they? They tell us all kinds of things all the time. Some of them are true but a lot are not true at all. And then, after they’ve told us the not true thing, they go into full marketing mode to try & show us that yes, in fact all of these things are true AND they should dictate your next move!
Well let me tell you something that you know but might not believe, your brain lies to you. Your brain lies to you a lot. And the thing about a brain that lies is that it knows exactly how to lie to you so that you believe the lie fully & without doubt.
Your brain knows your weaknesses, your fears, your dreams, your tiniest insecurities & it will use all of those things to create the most elaborate lie you can imagine. And it’s doing it because your safety & security is its number one priority & it takes its job very seriously.
So when you’re in a healing phase of your life - when you’re facing hard things & remembering awful things & reconciling the parts of yourself that you’re rediscovering - your brain sees all of uncomfortableness as a threat, so it’s going to cook up some whoppers to try & protect you.
Let’s talk about a few of the lies your brain might be telling you as you journey down your healing path.
The Lies We Tell Our Still Healing Selves
Lie #1 - “But I’ve wasted so much time!”
Now I get this - I was 40 before I started the really impactful healing, unlearning, & deconstructing that’s brought me to today. And part of that healing was facing the fact that while yes, a lot of life had gone by, and yes, a lot of years were behind me, the panic about “making up for lost time” was actually a big ole’ lie.
The other thing I realized was that this panic was actually a trauma response. A life of social training taught me that if I wasn’t hitting milestones “on time”, if I wasn’t following the prescribed path, I was doing something wrong. And “wrong” was unacceptable, so we try & fix what’s wrong as quickly as possible. Well nothing feels as wrong as realizing the previous years of your life were lived inauthentically. So we admonish ourselves & feel guilty & like we’ve been defeated.
But babe, you haven’t been. You’re not too late for anything. Actually, now you’re the most on time you’ve ever been because you’re taking your next steps as your new healing self!
And honestly, is time even real? (You science brains will love this article)
Lie #2 - “Everyone else has it figured out/is doing it better/is further along”
Yea, they might but why is that your business?
The old saying “comparison is the thief of joy” is very true & the more I’ve healed, the more I see that truth playing out in my own life & around me.
There will ALWAYS be someone (or more than a few someones) that are steps ahead of you. Someone having the success you want to have. Someone living a reality you want to live. And how cool is it that that possibility exists for all of us?!
When we are healing & unlearning, the picture of the life we want becomes clearer & just like when you say “I want a blue car” & you start seeing blue cars everywhere, you will start to see other people living the life you want. That doesn’t mean anything about you other than you have a goal, you know where you want to go & what you want the next part of your life to look like!
And also, who do you know that truly has it all figured out?? That’s right, no one.
Lie #3 - “Resting means I’m wasting time/being lazy”
Go read that first lie again, this is another one of those great trauma responses that we start applying to our healing lives.
So many of us have been duped into believing that the rest you NEED as a human being somehow equals your level of productivity, ambition, or focus & then also your worth. It can take a long time to unlearn this one because it’s drilled into us from the time we’re so young.
But have you noticed that the more healing you do, the more rest you need? I didn’t realize this was a thing until I started doing EMDR therapy & understanding the somatic work I needed while working through each target. Healing is not just mental & emotional work. As you process trauma your physical body feels the effects & requires its own kind of care.
So that “laziness” you’re feeling as you heal is partly about you finally allowing yourself the rest you need but also a physical manifestation of the healing you’re doing.
Resting means honoring your body & soul & simply being human.
Lie #4 - “I should be over this by now!”
Ohhh this one is a tried & true classic for me!
I’ve processed & worked through some major trauma in the last four and a half years & the lesson that keeps popping up, again & again, is that healing is not linear, it does not adhere to checkboxes on a list, & it definitely does not care if you think you’re done.
For many, many people healing is a one-step-forward-two-steps-back-four-steps-to-the-right-do-a-somersault-and-hop-in-place-for-five-minutes sort of situation.
There is no “should” in your healing because if you are actively working through your shit, being honest with yourself & the professional helping you, & you’re willing to do whatever work is required, you will know exactly when you are good & truly “over” something.
Healing has no timeline or estimated delivery date, so don’t believe this lie for one second, you’re doing it exactly right.
Healing Is A YOU Project
The work of healing might conjure up aesthetic images of cozy journaling sessions & deep talks curled up on the couch with your best friend. And while that will definitely be a part of your healing journey, what isn’t so aesthetic & cozy is the ugly crying, body aching, existence questioning stuff that comes right along with it.
And because all of that is ugly, scary, & uncomfortable, our brains go into protector mode to try & soften the blows and, viola!, the lies come marching in.
Your healing is yours & yours alone. It is not up for dissection, debate, or how-to from anyone besides you & your mental health professional - not even your overprotective noggin. So as you navigate it all, watch for signs of brain interference, know it’s there because it does love you, & know how & when to firmly disagree with what it’s telling you.
Welcome to Your Reclamation Era!
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