The Unsexy, Not-At-All-Cute, Definitely-Not-Aesthetic Part Of Reclamation
Healing, unlearning, & deconstructing from life-long beliefs, narratives, & training is all hard, ugly work. It takes some serious willingness to face yourself in a way you may have never done before & to be honest about things that are really unpleasant.
The work of reclamation is not easy & sometimes, as humans are prone to do, we become our own worst critics when doing this kind of work. We decide if we can’t do it “perfectly” or “correctly” then there’s no point in even trying. If our process doesn’t look like a curated IG post or follow the journaling-in-the-peaceful-early-morning-hours routine of someone else, we won’t get where we want to go.
And when that is what stops us from doing the work, we stay right where we are - stuck & frustrated & wishing for some kind of reprieve.
So how do we get out of our own way & find the healing, peace, & reclamation we want?
We roll up our sleeves, take a deep breath, & put one foot in front of the other.
The Unsexy, Not-At-All-Cute, Definitely-Not-Aesthetic Part Of Reclamation
If I could give you one bit of advice about this whole reclamation era thing it would be to stay open, be curious, learn all you can, & be so gentle with yourself.
You know how when you start a new workout routine the first few weeks so suck bad? You’re sore, you’re tired, everything hurts, & you really want to quit. THAT’S what the beginning of my healing & unlearning felt like.
Every new thing I learned - what do you mean Pope Gregory re-branded Mary Magdalene as a prostitute because he couldn’t be bothered to get his facts straight!? - and every realization I had - so my deep seeded fear of failure came from being the oldest daughter & trying to mold myself into the “goodest”, quietest, & easiest version of myself?! - came with equal parts fascination & rage.
Healing in general is like this - you realize, you are stunned, you get pissed, you get to the other side of it with some crazy wisdom.
But THIS is the unsexy part of it all. The part that isn’t cozy journaling sessions with a warm cup of something. I mean it might start that way but what they don’t plaster all over IG is the ugly crying snot face that might happen after that cozy journaling session.
Some not-at-all-cute reclamation moments that you might get to:
- Seeing it everywhere
THIS is the part we don’t talk about enough - once you see it, learn it, realize it, you cannot go back. You start to see where the hypocrisy, patriarchal training, religious trauma, & social conditioning is in every part of your life. It’s A LOT & it’s not cute.
- Reconciling the people you love with what you now know
Unless you somehow made it into a family and/or friend group that has done a lot of their own unlearning (or started from a more progressive place), you will start to see all that conditioning & training in the people you love most.
Not gonna lie, this part was hard for me. Being the eldest daughter, eldest granddaughter, & eldest niece in my family - who has also always been the one to “see things differently” - made me feel like I needed to be a soapbox professor at every turn. But I quickly realized that other people’s healing is not my job, unless they ask me about my own experience, and it’s also ok that they are where they are right now. What I can do is be open & ready with honest, curious conversation & allow my people to come in where & when they are ready.
But there might also be people in your life that you realize are in dimetric opposition to what you now know & believe & they’re not willing to have those conversations. For them I will remind you that your mental peace is worth more than their staunch & immovable stances. Boundaries are important for a reason.
- Living in the same body but with a different brain & heart
This body & I have been in this together from the very beginning & she has, unfortunately, been the victim of a lot of my training & traumatizing more times that I want to count. As I started to heal, unlearn, & deconstruct from what I always thought to be true, my relationship with my body had to take up some pretty significant healing space.
You are going to start seeing how your perception of your body was influenced almost entirely by outside forces. You were taught to believe things about your physical self that were simply incorrect & now it’s on you to make that relationship right.
- Being ok with the total terror of what’s next
Ok, maybe not “total terror” (my Millennial melodramatics are still very much a thing) but it can be overwhelming, & yes a bit scary, when you know that moving forward in the way you always have is just not an option anymore.
This might mean big things for your relationships, big things in your business, big things in the way you parent or live in your current partnership. When you start to see, realize, learn, unlearn, & deconstruct there are very few areas of your life that go unaffected.
This is a lot & something I don’t want you to feel anything but patient about. Be patient with yourself, with your heart, with your head, & with the world around you as you re-orient. Your next steps will feel more aligned, comfortable, & powerful than anything you’ve done before.
Make a promise to yourself…
If you’ve made it this far, this is work you’re ready to do - or at least you’re curious about it & willing to learn more (this is a great reading list to get you started). So I will ask you something that a mentor of mine asked me a few years ago:
“Can you make peace with the hard & the uncomfortable so you can find your power?”
I don’t ask that question lightly, I know what this work is & what it can disrupt but I also know what’s on the other side. I am living a life that I’m actively reclaiming for myself & my family & I don’t regret a second of the hard learning, the hard lessons, & the not-cute-at-all moments where I knew I couldn’t go back to existing the way I did before.
So maybe today, you make a promise to yourself that you will be ok with how ugly, unsexy, and really not cute all of this is because you know that what comes after will be worth it.
Write this on a post-it & put it someplace sacred & safe:
“I promise that I will make peace with the ugly & the unsexy so that I can find my gorgeous, reclaimed self.”
I’m proud of you.
Welcome to Your Reclamation Era!
Ready to get unsexy? Start here:
Subscribe to the In Her Reclamation Era newsletter & never miss a blog post, resource, event, or good story.
Follow Katie on the few online places she frequents - Threads, Substack & TikTok
Check out The Goddess Post, a mail club for women in their reclamation era.
