10 Ways I Kept Myself Small & "Safe" As A Woman

Healing is a bitch and tends to call up more than you bargained for..

Whether is physically, emotionally, or mentally, healing wounds that may have been there for decades is hard, ugly work. But on the other side of that work is a freedom and ease that’s pretty damn profound.

I’ve done a tremendous amount of emotional, mental & spiritual healing over the last four years & looking back, it’s a bit overwhelming to see how much I’ve sifted through and burned in the incinerator that is healing.

Recently I did a little inventory of the ways I’ve changed - my behavior, my mindset, my beliefs, my perspective - and I noticed a theme: I’ve lived the bulk of my life trying to keep myself small, out of the way and “safe”.

I lived in a way that kept me safe from judgement, safe from perception, safe from ridicule, safe from failure, safe from success that might lead to someone being disappointed in me, safe from disappointing myself.

I spent so much of my existence trying to stay safe from a world that told me again & again that I was wrong the way I was. And honestly, I got really good at it. So good, in fact, that I was oblivious to all my safety work!

Maybe you too...

Here are 10 ways I maintained my “safety”…

1. I hid behind my expertise in business.
I focused on what I knew- marketing, copywriting, strategy - instead of allowing what I am or what I’ve learned to take up space. Facts felt less risky than feelings but they also felt like they were choking me.

2. I made myself “easy to like”.
I learned at a very young age to put on the most palatable mask and keep it firmly in place. I was highly attuned to the energy of other people, of the rooms I was in, of the dynamics around me, and I became an expert shapeshifter so that no one would think anything but lovely thoughts about me.

3. I spent more time waiting to be ready than doing the thing I wanted to do.
I told myself I needed to heal more, plan more, or learn more before I could really do the things I was dreaming about. If I stayed in planning/dreaming/healing mode, I couldn't try. And if I couldn't try, I couldn't fail. And if I didn't fail, I would stay safe.

4. I let other people decide that I was “too much.”
Other people's opinions mattered A LOT. And most of what I heard my whole life was that I was too intense, too loud, too emotional, too dramatic. And then I let all of that dictate how I showed up in the world and how I saw myself. (That was the worst part)

5. I let myself be shamed into humility.
Being too proud of myself got shut down quickly growing up so I stopped being proud of anything. I was told that I wasn't humble enough & the character flaw implication in that was crystal clear. So instead of just being humble, I felt unable to be proud of myself at all.

6. I got comfy in the overthinking.
Kind of like the planning loop, I would stay firmly in an overthinking spiral and ignore my very loud intuition & knowing. I second-guessed myself at every turn and it felt safe but deeply frustrating.

7. I mistook burnout for laziness.
If I was unmotivated, lacked discipline or couldn’t seem to “get it right” I decided it was me being lazy…meanwhile I was in a true nervous system shutdown.

8. I tried to "be good" instead of being true to myself.
I followed the rules, always & with a deep fear of what would happen if I didn't. I did what I was “supposed” to do and shut down the wild voice inside that was begging me to do it differently or speak up.

9. I chose external validation every time.
I looked outside of myself for any kind of sign of approval - anything to tell me that I was doing a good job. I never thought to check in with myself.

10. I treated my dreams like hobbies I had to justify.
I downplayed what I wanted. I called it “just a little thing I’m working on” so that if it didn’t work out, I could pretend I never really wanted it in the first place.

💚💚💚💚💚💚

My need for safety depended on my shrinking - my soft voice & unobtrusive presence. I truly believed that in order to stay safe I had to stay small, stay out of the way, and watch everyone around me to tell me how to be myself.

And then I learned how healing can lead to reclamation. And how reclamation can lead to a whole new kind of safe - a "safe" that has nothing to do with staying small.

What do you do in this life to keep yourself “safe” and small?

And know that right now, I am honoring and opening space for you to do that. Write it in your Notes app, grab a journal or, if you’re feeling truly safe here, drop it in the comments.

I’m proud of you. You deserve to feel safe, no matter how big you decide to be.

Ready to start your own journey of reclamation, guided by the goddesses?

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